Mail-Box Wars Part One

It was the end of an extremely long day, flying around massive thunderstorms and a low pressure system built up between Chicago and New York City. Of course the ole motto, “Time to spare, fly by air” comes to mind as thousands of passengers were delayed to Newark, Kennedy and LaGuardia airports. By the time I made it to my hotel room, it was over 12 hours in the seat of my Super 80. My mind collapsed as I slipped into a mild coma with the blare of taxi’s below and the sound of rain and thunder outside my window.
The ringing of the phone woke me with a start, “Oh crap, I’m late for my sign in” I reach for the phone next to my bed, after two clumsy attempts and a dial tone to my ear, I realize it’s my cell phone that I forgot to turn off. I see two things as I reach for that, one it’s 0130 in the morning and two it’s from my wife. Mind you, she is tough and resourceful so for her to call me it must be a major emergency.
“Hey Honey, what’s up?” In a frantic, very angry voice, she tells me, “The little rat bastards came by and knocked our mailbox down.” My mind is full of cobwebs. “What are you talking about?? Mailbox??” She takes a deep breath and tells me how the sound of a loud Honda with those extended exhaust pipes woke her up with the addition of loud thumps as they smashed each mailbox down our side of the street. “Oh, that’s O.K. honey, it came with the house and I didn’t like it much anyway. I’ll buy another and replace it Sunday when I get home.”
“No,” she says, “they liked ours so much that they tied a chain around the post and pulled that out of the ground as well!” I’m trying to picture this and just see a hole in my front yard. “Don’t worry.” I say, “I’ll deal with it when I get back. Go pull the pellet gun out of the gun cabinet if they come back for some reason shoot at them.” Then I ask, “Did you call the police?” She tells me about the report she filed and I hang up with an “I love you and will talk to you in the morning.” Of course, my mind is thinking of how to deal with my neighborhood insurgents. I am finally able to go back to sleep, but the wheels turn and turn as I toss throughout the night.
Sunday, after relaxing a bit, I drive down to Home Depot for phase ‘One’ of my operation and buy a new 4x4 post, a big black mail box and one hundred pounds of Quickcrete. With my Sawzall, I cut a hole in the bottom of the mailbox, ram the post through to the top, seal the inside with speed tape and then pour seventy pounds of Quickcrete into my new “Yard Art.” After setting the post in the nice hole they left behind and adding the house numbers, it was just a matter of waiting. Of course, to be legal, I would be remiss if I didn’t add the following warning to the side of it, “Warning, hitting this mailbox yard art with any object, may cause death or serious injury”
Then I bought a wireless camera system and place it in the tree over looking the mailbox and on the roof of the garage to capture the insurgents in the act. (More so, to laugh at later over a beer with my Marine buddies) It took another six months for the “Rat Bastards” as my wife called them to come back. Of course, it’s a night that I’m on the road. They decide to throw a big pumpkin at the mailbox which exploded into a million pieces in our front yard. The twenty pound pumpkin didn’t do anything to the mailbox. I think it hurt their pride, so they made the unwise decision to come back at full speed, Johnny hanging out of the passenger window with a baseball bat. He pulls his best Barry Bonds (minus the juice, just beer) and swings for his homerun as the car passes the mailbox. Of course, connecting his baseball bat with a SOLID stationary object that one would expect to explode didn’t happen. It bounced right off hitting his car and dropping in the street followed by yells of pain and “Shit…Mother ffffffffff”as the car raced down the street to the emergency room I’m sure. Hell, how do you explain to your dad about the big dent in the car a broken back window and your two broken arms??? I would have loved to be a fly on the wall for that one. Anyway, we haven’t had a problem since. I’d like to think that the word is out about the crazy Marine and his mailbox. But, kids being kids and me being the biggest kid in the world, I can’t wait to use my new secret weapon this October for Halloween. I bought this little block of aluminum that has a trigger connected to a trip wire that when released hits the primer of a 12 gauge pepper spray shotgun shell. I’m going to attach this to my tree overlooking a nice fat pumpkin with it aimed down about two feet in front of the pumpkin. When the “Rat Bastards” try to steal the pumpkin, it will pull the almost invisible trip wire and boy will they get a treat!! One thing about Texas, you are allowed to shoot anyone who is in your yard “At Night” armed or not. Crazy law left over from the days of cattle rustlers. My local Police Officer says I’m within my rights to fire a Warning shot at them and not to worry if it’s just pepper spray or blanks. I just hope that I’m not deployed back to Iraq this fall, so I can see Operation PumpkinHead come to fruition. Anyway, that’s how we deal with “Insurgents” down here in Texas…
Semper Fi,
Taco